Monday, December 5, 2016

Looking for a Song

December 2015 marked the first one's arrival. There were three of them. Each one's name starting with the same letter. Each one better than the last. But sometimes, thoughts return to the one that came before this last one, and to the one that started it all. It's all but proof that certain feelings still persist. The memories of the songs you gifted each one comes alive in your head; a playlist for all the loves that came and went. That's how you show love the best, isn't it? By sharing your music. Yes.




The first one turned you on to J. Cole. That's why you loved him, among other reasons. But he also taught you that similar music taste and mutual proclivity towards abusing certain substances didn't mean he felt the same way for you. In fact, you were alike in the worst way: your emotional unavailability. In a rage, you destroyed his album in your garage. Tell me, were you angry at him, or at yourself?




The second came in like a comet; his presence compelled you to produce a zine, your first body of work in 4 years. You were like a bitch in heat for him, you would have spread your legs for him in a heartbeat. If your brain could sound like a song during the time he resided in your heart, it would be that one by James Blake and Bon Iver. The one that sounded like a night sky adorned with knowable constellations. But he did not budge. Not one fucking bit. And you know better (now) than to push up against a wall. Ask yourself: did you want him, or did you want to be him?

Yet, you don't love them anymore. That's the important part. Twinges of tenderness appear once in awhile, as they are wont to do - because you fucking loved them. This is the last time you will write about them. This is you bidding them goodbye: instead of pretending they do not exist, you pay tribute to who they were when your souls intertwined with your words.
The third one, well, he doesn't have a song yet. It will appear in due time, at random. Don't rush it. Just remember to be present, to be open

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