fuck this

i really, really REALLY want a job
and i've been trying really hard

i want security already.

new year, new set of hurdles to overcome

a guy friend and i are talking, and he showed me his wordpress from two years ago - naulul ako ng slight na dalawang taon na pala ang nakalipas mula 2013.

all i can say is that i'm really glad not to be the same person i was in 2013, that's for fucking sure. sure, i was experiencing a whole different set of problems back then that seemed insurmountable at the time, but don't all problems seem that way when we go through them?

i realize that the last time i updated this blog was during the two worst months of 2014. looking back, i can scarcely believe i made it through september and october (and november, come to think of it) alive. relief only came in december, where some really rad things happened and restored my sanity and carried over into the new year. it's only now that i feel like things are crashing down.

and it's that crashing feeling that brings me back to what i said about problems feeling insurmountable just as we go through tthem. you just really have to wade through the muck of them, get through them as gracefully as you possibly can.

also, i am leaving for malaysian borneo in 8 days (unless cebu pacific decides to pull a fast one and cancel our flight on the eve of the impending papal visit, where a no-fly mandate will be in place on the day after and the day before we fly back in). thing is, i no longer feel the same way about the man that i'm exploring this new country with. i stopped feeling a certain way for him and only really talk to him now out of necessity, because it's going to be lame if i go traveling with someone i dislike.

i discovered allen stone this morning, and this song has been on rotation the entire day. i think the song is trying to tell me something.

guess i'd better get some sleep, i've kind of been running myself ragged the entire day worrying about things that are beyond my control.

I took a plane over the stars,
It didn't get me very far,
'Cause all my problems, they follow me,
I flew to the moon, but it wasn't far enough away from you,
'Cause all our problems, they follow me, yeah, hey, yeah,

And every night, I close my eyes,
And all my troubles fade,
and every morning when I rise,
I'm just sleeping in this bed I made.