All Flowers In Time Bend Towards The Sun; Jeff Buckley and Elizabeth Fraser.
It's been awhile since I last wrote in this blog, and it also seems as if a lifetime of events has happened since then. I think that from now on, when I write, I will preface each entry with a song that means a lot to me at the moment. Apparently, Jeff and Liz collaborated because they were infatuated with each others' voices. Isn't that sweet? I also really love this verse:
"All flowers in time bend towards the sun / I know you say that there's no one for you, / but here is one."
I remember September of 2014 being especially difficult and dark. It's nice to know that from where I stand, it's much lighter, and for this I'm thankful. May to July of this year were especially unforgiving, and on July 23rd I had a terrible panic attack that resulted in my parents sending me off to a Christian retreat in Batangas. At the time I was still struggling with money (one of my key insecurities at this age, actually), as well as a whole host of other things about adult life that I'd previously been trying to run away from.
The people behind the retreat are dear friends, and so they sponsored my stay. Evangelical Christians can be a little bit overzealous whenever a secular person toys with the thought of using religion as a coping mechanism. That being said, I feel that my going to the retreat was actually meant to happen. After that retreat, that amount of time allowed me to screw my head back on properly; to reflect and pray about the things that caused me fear in the first place.
After that, a lot of things certainly changed. I'm not sure if it was due to me changing my mindset (as my older sister often likes to tell me to do when I am depressed), or if it was divine timing. Maybe a little bit of both.
One of my core beliefs in life is that everything is cyclical. Whenever you're at your worst, know that better things are yet to come.
At one point, I was very much depressed about being single (in addition to 'grownup problems'), and this is because I felt that no one liked me in this country. Most of the men I considered worthy enough to date me were based abroad. As a result, I developed a coping mechanism that I wish I had when I was younger, and that was to be keenly aware about my boundaries and standards, as well as unfairly branded Pinoy boys unworthy to date me. If a man stayed on my mind past a month, it meant that there was something special about him. Funnily enough, when I stopped dragging relationships on longer than they should, that was when people started coming into my life.
In late August, I began talking to someone who I always admired from afar, and we spent Sunday together at his farm in Cavite. We continue to talk until today.
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In late August, I began talking to someone who I always admired from afar, and we spent Sunday together at his farm in Cavite. We continue to talk until today.
I can tell that he is a gentle soul and I am quite fond of him. Being around him calms me down, and I don't have to swallow 2 Valiums/be stoned out of my mind/chain smoke out of nervousness around him. It's a novel and refreshing feeling. He is a take-charge kind of man, the kind that looks after everyone. He is also Pinoy, which makes me laugh because after chasing mediocre white men for awhile, I went back to loving boys with brown skin (which has always been my preference, anyway).
I wonder how my relationship with this man will progress in the future, and where the two of us will be the next time I decide to open this blog again.
That aside, things are much better now than they were earlier this year and things just seem to be getting better every day. For that, I'm really grateful.
