Saturday, September 13, 2014

Lots of life changes, and I miss my dog.


Our dog got run over by a drunk driver, and I'm taking it pretty hard. Actually, the entire part of last week was a shitstorm of epic proportions - going down in history as a period I will refer to as Alat Days, 2014. Losing Burrito was the icing on an already shitty cake.

I miss him a lot. I loved that boy a lot. We only had him for 8 months, but he was very much loved.

I've been so sad lately. I know I need to snap out of it soon, because responsibility is looming. I'm not looking forward to the inevitable. My soul feels trapped, I need to figure out why.

Maybe it's because I saw The Beach for the first time, and my soul is looking for paradise. Work is not paradise right now. Work triggers internal stressors and burns me out. Thing is, I'm not sure a man in my life is what I want/what will solve these ill feelings at this point. I think I'm running away from being an adult, and I know that this is a phase. (I do need to listen to the Pikachu, as a red-haired, sleepy-eyed bartendress who paints her entire eyelid told me knowingly at Boho last night.)

I am panicking. I put all the men I thought I liked on invisible on Facebook, because out of sight equals out of mind. They don't live in Manila, anyway. My friend gave me a hashtag, because fading out on people is what I do best, anyway. 



#DisappearlikeTimmy. It really is a thing.


Please forgive the strange train of thought. I just need to get all of this out of my system because I've been holding stress in so long it's begun to consume me.

I just hope that after this week, great things are on their way to me.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The Universe wants me to know that everything will be fine


2014 has been really good to me, because this is the year that I shed a lot of baggage that was holding me back.

For the longest time, I had convinced myself that I was okay with leading a mediocre life in Manila. That this was as good as it was ever gonna get for me. But deep inside, I secretly envied my peers who would travel to far off places because they could afford it. I was broke for a really long time in my twenties, and seeing peoples' travel photos in places I could only dream about made me bitter and angry that I was stuck in the city.

It took me 28 years to figure out that traveling was what made me feel most alive and that I need to do it more. 

This year I took a trip to Cambodia, which was the first time I'd gone out of the country on a trip I financed purely on my own. It was absolutely liberating. While there were things I could have done differently if I traveled by myself (I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to do it yet, but I feel this could change very soon), but I wouldn't have traded that experience for anything else.

When I got back to Manila, all I could feel was disgust. Not even the people (except family) would make me want to stay here for the long term. All I can think about is leaving. I never leave my house (except for work and maybe the odd lunch/dinner here and there), because I have given up on my old life and all the shallow and heavy baggage that I used to carry. Being the biggest escapist I know, daydreaming about overland border crossing in Southeast Asia and running through temples and musty marketplaces gets me through the day. Sometimes, I dream about flying.

My soul is itching for change. Lots of interesting universally-aligned events happened since I got back in early August, to be quite honest; former enemies have been apologizing, old friends have been reaching out, old friends have been drifting away. And yet despite all this change, I have a strange feeling that everything, EVERYTHING, is falling into place. It's almost prescient how I know, deep in my bones, that everything is going to be okay. It sounds really stupid, but I am just so fucking calm because I know the Universe is going to take care of me, the way it always has, even when I was feeling at my worst and I couldn't trust its process.

I have a feeling the Universe is going to unravel some really good things for me pretty soon.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Hangups, etc.




I thought I really liked someone recently. Thinking about him made me happy - he seems like he's a really sweet guy, loves family, dogs, is good to people, the works. He basically follows 90% of what I've listed down in my list of the kind of boyfriend I want to manifest (yes, I believe in this stuff! What the mind thinks, the mind attracts, and that stuff is pretty powerful).

HOWEVER, if there's anything that I've learned in the last few men I've dated, it's that an ex-girlfriend lurking on social media or in real life is a big fat fucking no-no. If there are exes that are still lingering around, that's a huge red flag. I happen to be a really good internet sleuth, and to be quite honest, it wasn't very hard to do my research about this dude. Everything he posts is public, and he uses his real name on his social media accounts. He's so naive, it's almost adorable.

I just happened to see that his ex is still a very present entity on his social media, so that is enough to kill whatever feelings I was nurturing for him. For all I know, I could be making a huge deal out of something that actually means nothing. But I don't want to sleep on my hunches anymore. Remember what happened when I started to settle for Ben? For Gabe? For Gino?

I sure as hell do, and I don't want to, anymore. There were all these fucking women around them and I chose to barrel on, thinking I was the only special one. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE not gonna happen.

I've got my own set of hangups about men, to be sure. But I think I'm doing the mature thing in trying to avoid getting involved with men who have their own hangups, also.