ABOUT TIME YA STOPPED RUNNIN'

Historically, my first instinct when faced with conflict is to retreat. 

To run away, to head towards the path of least resistance. Whether that was towards friends with sympathetic ears, far away destinations, novels, psychotropics, or the comfort of my bedroom, it's always a result of that primal, knee-jerk reaction. I would rather spare myself the pain of confrontation, whether towards other people, or myself, than to face it and get hurt - which spirals out into other aspects of my life, naturally. 

Today, I once again find myself teetering on the precipice of another nervous breakdown. The writin's scrawled all over the goddam wall; a veritable Cave of Altamira: insomnia, sluggishness, bad skin, crippling anxiety, self-destructive tendencies. I think I was looking for healing in a certain narrative that involved a past bully. Unfortunately for this anti-heroine, I never got the closure I sought in the narrative, because the Contrabeedus is still a Contrabeedus ("I respect you but goddamn, I hate you, ninja!"). Indeed, that Bone of Contention is too big to choke on, let alone swallow. We all know I'm bursting at the seams with empathy, but I've got none to spare for this girl because holding a grudge is one of my less desirable character traits. 

Instead of inflicting any more pain unto myself, I'll just take the high road - to the beach. At least I've got science to prove that salt water and sunshine heals everything. Thankful that Liwa has always been a balm for me to revel in Happiness as well as Rock-Bottom Murky Sadness. Thankful too for all the opportunities I can steal to retreat into her sunny, sticky embrace to disconnect from the toxicity, triggers, traps, plasticity and pecking order of Imperial Manila. The sea's always been about restoration for me, anyway.

April 2017

Some furious feelings rush through my veins
I try to make sense of whatever remains

of the hues of the blues
and the yellows and white
of all of the ocean bathed in sunlight

of the laziest days spent by the sea
and the haziest daze of you, and of me

surrounded by friends, by puppies, and waves
of consciousness, seawater and the love that I gave

Wait, was it love? I'm really not sure,
'cause when you're down by the ocean, some feelings endure
and some wash away when the tide bides its time,
it follows no cadence, no reason, no rhyme

I'm prideful and arrogant, always thinkin' I'm right
always trying with all of my might
not to show my soft edges, my vulnerable side
but whenever I'm there, all these pretenses slide

from darkness to Sunny Side Up
a place that upends all the wrongs right up

I'm trying to figure out these feelings of everything:
the true color of your eyes when we're in good lighting,
why the sea calms me down so damn much,
the carefully crafted dance of our emotions, and such.

All's I know's you saw me, and I saw you,
You gotta know that's something I don't let many men do
I let you into my world, broke my defenses, and then
I can't wait to see you, to do it again.

A Shoutout to the Universe, I'm looking for love

Dear Universe,

This 2017, one of my biggest wishes is to finally find the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that this blog is often a receptacle to house stories and anecdotes about the temporary men that pass through my life, but this time, I'm hoping that you hear me because I feel that I am ready to receive love with someone that loves me just as much with open arms.

I was actually contemplating the question, of whether I wanted love or whether I just wanted the high that came with flirting around. I want both. I want the delicious feeling of getting to know someone. The unwrapping and the discovery. The accompanying intimacy, not just the sex, that follows. The intimacy that covers the little things to the big things. I just want to share my life with someone. I want a king to walk alongside me on my journey. 

I wonder where life will take me this year. But I hope that I can look back on this time and smile, because you heard me, Universe. I know for sure that there's someone out there who wants me as much as I want him.

The man that balances earthy practicality with exciting, fiery passion. The man that knows when to be practical and grounded, as well as spontaneous and exciting. A man who will show up for me and walk alongside me, can handle the light that I give without getting overwhelmed by the glare. A man whose intensity meets mine, and is compatible with mine. A man who does not trigger my anxiety. A man with soul, who understands my love for art, music, traveling and all things good in life because he loves them too. I ask that when we meet, I know immediately that he is the one, that he will leave no room for doubt. That his intentions towards me are clear. Universe, you know how much I've been knocked around in love before. I want someone I can be vulnerable, open and loving with. I know I have a lot of love to give, Universe. Please introduce me to someone who is worthy of it. Please.