Leave a toothbrush at your crib love

GOMD; J. Cole.

As usual, I haven't visited this blog in awhile. I tend to let a lot of things pile up before I decide to open up about my feelings in a written medium. I think it's safe to say that I may be going through a period of depression right now. It started in December, permeated through all of January, and it's only the start of February and I still feel like shit. I turn 30 in 24 days, and I think that I'm going through my Saturn Return. That entails a huge overhaul of priorities in all aspects of life, basically. A chunk of my depression has basically circulated around my old ways of doing things being challenged (very Saturn Return) because I seem to be outgrowing them.

The truth is, I feel more comfortable with who I am as a person, but there are still things that trigger my sense of self, and usually those things involve the input of people I care about. If I could only learn how to think for myself and back up what I truly feel instead of caving to the opinions of my family and friends about how I should run my life, I think I would feel less sad and attacked. It's a work in progress, though.

Oh yeah, I also went blonde in 2015.

Oh my God I think I may have fallen in love last year, though. For a really long time, for a huge chunk of my 20s in fact, I was hung up on a dude that wasn't even my boyfriend. Why did it take so long to get over him? I guess I just wasn't over myself, because I couldn't deal with the fact that he didn't love me. Towards the end of December, I met this guy and I felt like things changed forever. He is half-Filipino, half-Syrian and based in Lebanon. He is a musician (of course), and raps in Arabic and English, slays in both. And he is beautiful. I will never get sick of looking at that face, I think. I'm fairly sure he doesn't love me back, but I am thankful I met him because I feel like I have a better idea of what I want in a future partner. I like the Western worldview, and the intrepid, artistic soul, but I admit I also like the Filipino family values he seems to still uphold.

Yes I still like brown boys. And halfies. I like halfies. And beards. Um.

However, I've had to let my feelings cool down because he doesn't live here. I imagine if we lived in the same metropolis, we may have been dating by now. He may not feel the same way about me, but I'm fairly sure I made him think, and that's fine.

There have been a slew of men after him, and I think I'm just looking for attention in order to get over him. Whatever. I just need to do what I have to do, I guess. 

I hope that the next time I come back in here, it's to write happy things.